The Diet

Fred and I were over the Ricardos and had dinner. Afterwards we sat around chit-chatting and Lucy denied gaining a little weight. in fact she said she weighed exactly the same as she did when she was married. Ha! Ricky wanted her to fess up and she looked to me for comfort. But I’m on the side of Ricky and his puffy pals. We weighed Lucy and she was surprised to see that she weighed 132 pounds. So I said, “On behalf of our tubby trio, I welcome you to our flabby foursome.” Lucy wanted to go out and kill herself. Then Ricky got a phone call from from his agent. Seems that Joanne, a singer featured in his nightclub act is getting married and will be quitting the show. Naturally Lucy wanted the job. Ricky said she could audition but he’ll pretend not to know her. She’ll be treated the same as anyone else auditioning.

The next morning I went with Lucy to her audition. She pretended to be Lucille McGillicuddy. The other thought they could bring their mother if they knew he wanted “older women”. I told Lucy to pay no attention to them. I watched as Lucy made herself resemble some of the other girls by unbuttoning her blouse and rolling up her sleeves a bit and trying look more sexy. I hope Lucy doesn’t see this but she was just awful. She couldn’t do a time step. In fact she wasn’t doing anything the other girls were doing. Ricky then said that if she gets thin enough to fit the dress she can have the part. I questioned if she could really lose twelve pounds in four days. Lucy said she’ll get rid of the fat if she had to chop it off with a cleaver.

I started working with her right away. She did laps around the apartment, which I called, “the fourth floor dash” and jumped rope. She only lost 5 ounces. Then she took a shower and cleaned up for dinner which I made. We had nice juicy steak and potatoes. Lucy had celery. She even tried to fight with butch, our dog for a scrap of meat. Then Lucy ran out and said she was going down to the corner bakery and smell the bread.

I worked with Lucy all week long on losing weight. I came up on our last day to start work when I discovered she had resorted to a ‘human pressure cooker’. She sat inside this rented box for hours. She really was determined. She had, at this point, 5 pounds to lose and five hours to do it in. I told her if she stayed in that thing for that amount of time we’ll have to pick her up with a blotter. I checked on her at 6pm and gave me a scare. She wasn’t in that box. She came out of the bathroom weighing 120 pounds. She did it. Now Lucy was determined to do that number with Ricky. She said she’d take care of that other girl Ricky hired somehow. At the club that night, Lucy did the “Cuban Pete, Sally Sweet” number with Ricky. Afterwards, she was carried away on a stretcher suffering from mal nutrition. I found the other girl tied up in the broom closet.

Be A Pal

me at LucysI went over Lucy’s and she was upset because she thinks Ricky is losing interest in her. So I suggested she read the book-of-the-week selection by Dr. Humphreys, How to Keep the Honeymoon from Ending. Chapter one suggests the wife dress up for breakfast. The next morning I went over Lucy’s to see how things went. I grabbed a doughnut from her jar and when I first started talking to her, she thought I was on the telephone.Lucy dressed up Anyway, she looked great. When I asked if everything was okie dokie. She said, “no. Everything was inky-stinky”. She said he didn’t even notice her. I couldn’t imaging why it didn’t work. Chapter two was the “Ba a Pal System”. Share your husbands interests. Join in his hobbies. If he hunts, take up hunting. If he fishes, take up fishing. If he golfs, take Playing Pokerup golfing. So I sat down with her and began to teach her to play poker. Except the only thing I know about poker is that it’s a lot like hearts, only ya bet, and there isn’t any old maid. Then Lucy joined Ricky with Fred, Hank and Charlie in a poker game. I evenI peeked in peeked in on them. From what I understand, she beat them badly. The next morning I came to Lucy to see how things went this time. Not so good. So I read in the book, Chapter three. One thing to remember about the ‘Be A Pal System’ in Chapter two, If you play games with your husband, be sure not to beat him. Dr. Humphreys next suggestion was that the wife Pardon me misterbecome a mother. Surround him with things that remind him of his childhood. I wouldn’t be surprised if her whole trouble is that Ricky misses Cuba. She should fix the place up so that it will remind him of his happy childhood in Cuba. So we decided to buy a record that I would play in the kitchen while she dances and mouths the words to one of his mothers songs. She decorated her apartment with palm trees, sombreros, a flock ofLucy & Me & Ricky chickens, and a mule. I dressed up like a cuban bandito and sat on the chair and once Ricky discovered me, I ran into the kitchen to start the record. Lucy came out wearing a bunch of fruit on her head and began to “sing” and dance for him. She even had 5 little boys from the neighborhood dress up like Ricky’s brothers. Ricky said he didn’t like it. If he wanted things like Cuba he would have stayed in Havana. That’s the reason he married her because she was so different from anyone he knew in Cuba. Then Be A Palhe confirmed his love for Lucy and they kissed.

I Want To Go To A Nightclub

It’s Fred’s and my eighteenth wedding anniversary and I want to celebrate it by going to the Copacabana with Lucy & Ricky. I vowed that at least once before I die Fred was going to take me to a nightclub on our wedding anniversary. I told Lucy my plan of mentioning the nightclub in discussion with the boys but she told me that Ricky won’t bound to his feet at the mention because he hates nightclubs. I thought Lucy’s life would be just one gay round of nightclubs. Lucy thought that too but as she put it, “Ever since we said, ‘I Do,’ there are so many things we don’t.” So we decided to be real nice to them so they’ll take us to the Copa. Fred discussed the celebration with Ricky and they planned to take me and Lucy to the fights. Well, that’s the last thing I want to do. We all argued. Lucy and I finally decided that we’ll go nightclubbing without our husbands and with dates. Lucy said we could go with Little Boy Blue & Peter Cottontail. She was just trying to put up a big front while the boys were in the room. Lucy’s 11 year old address book didn’t help. She called everybody in it from George Anderson & Howard Thompson all the way to Paul Wagner & Sam Zabbayoni

Lucy & EthelLucy ended up calling her friend Ginny Jones, a singer at the Starlight Roof, to get dates for us. But Ginny told Lucy that the boys just did the same thing. They called her to arrange for blind dates to go and spy on us at the Copa. So Lucy told Ginny to get them dates, and to build up these two beautiful blind dates and tell them we will meet thRicky playin' guitarem at Ricky’s apartment at 8 o’clock. The dates were me and Lucy. We dressed up like country bumpkins and showed up at their apartment. The evening went pretty well with me and Lucy doing some old hillbilly schtick. Ricky even sang Guadalajara. But Lucy eventually gave herself away by reaching for some cigarettes hidden in a desk drawer. Of course, how would she knowFred and Me they were in there if it were somebody Ricky never met before? So the gig was up and to celebrate my anniversary, we all ended up at the fights! Happy anniversary to me.
me and Lucy