The Diet

Fred and I were over the Ricardos and had dinner. Afterwards we sat around chit-chatting and Lucy denied gaining a little weight. in fact she said she weighed exactly the same as she did when she was married. Ha! Ricky wanted her to fess up and she looked to me for comfort. But I’m on the side of Ricky and his puffy pals. We weighed Lucy and she was surprised to see that she weighed 132 pounds. So I said, “On behalf of our tubby trio, I welcome you to our flabby foursome.” Lucy wanted to go out and kill herself. Then Ricky got a phone call from from his agent. Seems that Joanne, a singer featured in his nightclub act is getting married and will be quitting the show. Naturally Lucy wanted the job. Ricky said she could audition but he’ll pretend not to know her. She’ll be treated the same as anyone else auditioning.

The next morning I went with Lucy to her audition. She pretended to be Lucille McGillicuddy. The other thought they could bring their mother if they knew he wanted “older women”. I told Lucy to pay no attention to them. I watched as Lucy made herself resemble some of the other girls by unbuttoning her blouse and rolling up her sleeves a bit and trying look more sexy. I hope Lucy doesn’t see this but she was just awful. She couldn’t do a time step. In fact she wasn’t doing anything the other girls were doing. Ricky then said that if she gets thin enough to fit the dress she can have the part. I questioned if she could really lose twelve pounds in four days. Lucy said she’ll get rid of the fat if she had to chop it off with a cleaver.

I started working with her right away. She did laps around the apartment, which I called, “the fourth floor dash” and jumped rope. She only lost 5 ounces. Then she took a shower and cleaned up for dinner which I made. We had nice juicy steak and potatoes. Lucy had celery. She even tried to fight with butch, our dog for a scrap of meat. Then Lucy ran out and said she was going down to the corner bakery and smell the bread.

I worked with Lucy all week long on losing weight. I came up on our last day to start work when I discovered she had resorted to a ‘human pressure cooker’. She sat inside this rented box for hours. She really was determined. She had, at this point, 5 pounds to lose and five hours to do it in. I told her if she stayed in that thing for that amount of time we’ll have to pick her up with a blotter. I checked on her at 6pm and gave me a scare. She wasn’t in that box. She came out of the bathroom weighing 120 pounds. She did it. Now Lucy was determined to do that number with Ricky. She said she’d take care of that other girl Ricky hired somehow. At the club that night, Lucy did the “Cuban Pete, Sally Sweet” number with Ricky. Afterwards, she was carried away on a stretcher suffering from mal nutrition. I found the other girl tied up in the broom closet.

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